Monday, January 30, 2006

Bulls make money, Bears make money, but underdogs get slaughtered

With that cathartic post out of the way, I can resume my shows of support in a slightly more civilized and better laid out manner. If Picasso had used HTML, it might have looked something like that.

Here is a story on ESPN today about Jerome Bettis going home. It's a good story. I printed it out. Seattle will be without their treasured 12th man for the big game, and I expect Seattle fans to be outnumbered by upwards of 3 to 1. However, it's worth pointing out that the Steelers will be without some of their intangible advantages as well, being actually favored by 4 points and technically (and in some cases, literally) considered the home team. Coach Cowher is nevertheless having his boys wear the away jerseys. I'm a bit worried that Seattle has something of a right to be incensed about being listed as underdogs, being the #1 seed against a #6 seed. Lately it seems that the whole "no respect" mentality can go a long way, but only as long as it holds true...as Mr. Brady recently found out. I mean, people stopped disrespecting the Patriots after they won Super Bowl XXXVIII, if you ask me. They just started purely loathing them at that point, and Mr. Brady confused the sentiments. Or possibly identified them correctly and tried to distort them to his advantage. Either way, disaster. So I think it would be best for the Steelers to drop the "nobody thinks we can" line and instead run with a "nobody thought we could, but now we've convinced most of them, so we have to show that we weren't kidding."

The call is hereby put out far and wide: Stereo Agency plays its inaugural show at the Old Brewery Tavern this Friday from 10-1. It will be crazy, and if intel is correct, there will be plenty of loose Moravian ladies for those of you who like to bitch about the Funhouse's lack of scarlet women. Dr. Mindbender will be there to work his thought-controlling legerdemain prior to taking out his high-interest loan. Hopefully y'all will have learned by now how to behave when he's not there. ("SHUT UP!")

Friday, January 27, 2006

ONE FOR THE F*CKING THUMB GDMFSOB

FUCK THIS!!! I WILL BE SILENT NO LONGER! FUCKING PITTSBURGH'S GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL, BITCHES, AND I WILL BE GOD DAMNED IF LET THESE TWO WEEKS GO BY QUIETLY! SEATTLE HAD BEST BE AFRAID...UNDERSIZED PUNK-ASS BITCHES ARE GONNA GO THE SAME ROUTE AS THE COLTS. STALWART STEELER NATIONALS WILL SHANK THE REFEREES FROM BEHIND. CHEW ON MY RED9 SUCKA! INCOMPLETE PASS, YOUR ASS! BIG BEN HAS GOT IT TOGETHER! THE BLACK & GOLD PLAYBOOK HAS EXPANDED. GUARD AGAINST THE FREIGHT TRAIN AND BOMBS WILL FALL. SET UP YOUR FLAK CANNONS AND THE TANKS WILL ROLL. THE SEAHAWKS ARE GOING DOPWN TKO FUCKING CHIANTIONWA3983223%*@#*u)2!#%$*!@#$$&&&&^%@%#@!!!!!!!!!!111one

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

What's a detroit?

Due respect to Pearls and Brass, who had their CD reviewed in Entertainment Weekly, apparently. I can always say I saw them at the Funhouse.

Be on the lookout for Young Blood, a dance party which is being organized primarily by Zartan, featuring the steel wheeling and dealing of ourselves and another fella. Probably at the Wildflower Cafe, probably some Thursday in March.

Finally, primary season is beginning to really emerge. I go on my first mission tomorrow, where I must infiltrate ******'* ***** with a surveillance device and a cover identity to get some early dirt on ****** *****, who is giving a fundraising speech. *** is going down now that COBRA's on the case.

If anyone has noticed a conspicuous lack of rabidly fanatical NFL-related posting in the last several days, it is because I'm trying really, really hard not to do any. Times like this don't happen to a certain football fan very often, and it's hard to not just jabber away about it all the time. But I'm in ultra anti-jinx mode, and I don't want my happy raving to lead to gross overconfidence.

That said, I would like to give a big e-hug to everyone who was at Starter's on Sunday, including people I don't know. Probably the best experience watching football I've ever had. Starter's totally made the atmosphere, with Steelers logos up everywhere, a sign by the entrance that said "DANGER: SWINGING TOWELS", and six cases of Iron City that they brought in just for us (of course, we got rid of those by halftime). Thanks to the Broncos fans who were there, too. Every week of the playoffs, we had a brief meeting, promising to get rid of whoever was in our respective team's way and meet each other in the AFC Championship. [NOTE TO PATS FANS: Pay attention here. You can learn something from this that in your years of dominance, most of you never bothered to do.] They congratulated us on our win, very graciously, and we gave them a standing ovation. Next week Starter's has promised us fifteen cases of IC and a three-foot Roethlisburger.

And check out this photo of Zarana, currently spearheading a 'Drome construction project in Angkor Wat. She's so badass.

Friday, January 20, 2006

[Ttthank you]

Crap. Work swelled outrageously the last couple days. Still swelling, but I realized I had a few brief things to say before the weekend arrives, so:

1) Stereo Agency @ the Funhouse, Saturday, 10:30. Some new surprises, as we always endeavor to provide. I believe Dr. Mindbender will be in attendance again, so prepare to make the noise of fifteen and tell us to shut up a lot. And never let us get off the stage without playing your favorite song at least five times. You know the drill.

2) At said show, we will also be welcoming back a jet-lagged Baroness, fresh from rigging the French parliament with Iron Grenadiers. Cos she's such an evil and ruthless sweetheart.

3) Look forward to the much-hyped linking of Mistress Armada, who actually has rough drafts of her blog entries.

4) Sunday will be huge. That is all I have to say on the subject.

A good weekend to you all, especially Safety Dan, who apparently hurt himself in a safety experiment concerning arugula planting.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

It's True!

OK, I couldn't help but take a stab at Bill Simmons yesterday because he's had it coming, what with his nonstop fellating of all things New England since 2002. Ooooooh, I think I can stand 2 out of all the Patriots fans I've ever met, one being Tomax and the other being a bouncer at the Brew Works. All the rest of them I've really tried to get past the rivalry thing and communicate to them as plain old football fans, or at least human beings. And they've always let me down.

That said, I still have to say that I enjoy Bill Simmons most of the rest of the time. Here's a good reason why, taken from an excerpt from his most recent column, giving out awards for the Divisional Playoffs:

The Jim Ross Award for Best Moment that Could Have Been Made into a Fantastic Story Line
To Mike Vanderjagt for shanking that season-ending field goal, which looked like one of Ali Haji Sheikh's efforts if you were playing the 1982 Giants at the All-Madden Level and completely screwed up the kicking wheel. After all of Vanderjagt's problems with Manning over the years, I kept waiting for the postgame press conference where Vanderjagt pretended to be upset, answered a few questions, and then suddenly Bill Cowher's music started playing (with Cowher dressed as Sergeant Slaughter), followed by Vanderjagt breaking into a big smile, and then the two of them hugging as Jim Ross screamed "No! No! No! My God, no!" Then Vanderjagt would rip off his Colts jersey to reveal a Steelers jersey underneath. This would have been one of the five greatest moments in sports history. And you know what? There's still time.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Hurry Up and Die In Peace

Bill Simmons in his divisional playoff picks column:

"Patriots (+3) over BRONCOS...

...Here's the first rule you learn as a gambler, whether you're betting on sports, blackjack, craps or whatever: Never bet against a streak. It's the dumbest move you can make."

Scant paragraphs later:

"COLTS (-9.5) over Steelers"

Monday, January 16, 2006

Open season on Zebras

Well, I was going to just leave this picture up as the post, but a thousand words isn't enough to describe the events of yesterday. I cannot say for sure how much I aged during the last five minutes of regulation of the Colts-Steelers game, but I do know that I probably wouldn't be able to survive another such finish. Especially if we were to lose.

Firstly, kudos are due to Bill Cowher for having the balls to stray so drastically from the traditional Steelers game plan. Coming out of the starting gate shooting from the hip was their best shot at winning, and with the usual monster defensive effort, it worked.

That said, I will address Joey Porter's most recent controversial comment. Usually, when there's talk such as "The Colts were amping up the crowd noise artificially" or "that November game shouldn't count, because they can't play proper football, and their rushing yards were cheap, excuses blah blah" I'm the first one telling my own team to sh*t th* f*ck *p. But Porter's accusation that the refs and the league wanted the Colts to win that game makes absolutely perfect sense to me. What other explanation can there be for the unbelievable overturning of Polamalu's interception? How did the ref figure that to be indisputable? There was a definite problem with the officiating. Somebody should lose their job, or at least be docked pay for that. If Ben hadn't performed that heroic one-armed tackle, or if Vanderjagt had made that kick, I'd be in jail today. Now that Pittsburgh's in the AFC Champ game, I'm glad all that bullshit happened. They have every right to be fired up after that. I'm still livid.

That said, I welcome laughter and ridicule of any and all kinds for the way my NFC bracket is turning out, and may I just say that I hope my perfect record in the AFC picks comes to a screeching halt. I mean, I suck at this. Seriously, I'm no good at picking anything.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Morir es vivir...Morir es vivir...

Over the course of the last few months I have become unhealthily obsessed with Resident Evil 4. I never thought I'd be in to those survival-horror games because they make me edgy and I end up getting frustrated and throwing controllers. Then I need to call an attack on the Pit just to calm down.

Pythona recently lent Destro her Gamecube and so the virus has been released all over again. Rocking the mercenaries minigame, which I hated at first but have learned to enjoy. The trick to making good games these days is smooth play and crisp graphics and sound, but most importantly, the intangible quality of "replay value". Once beating the game, what reason does the player have to pick it up again?

Baldur's Gate II absolutely mastered this quality. I got that game for Christmas my freshman year, and you can ask pretty much any roommate I had throughout college and they can confirm that I played it pretty much all the time. Now I am considering plunking down the $115 and getting a used 'Cube and the game because the replay value is that damn good. I've beaten it twice already and romped around the mini-games. I'd still do it.

The weapons are extremely detailed, customizable, and (at least on Gamecube) real enough to give me that feeling I had when I was five and was able to pick up a stick off the ground and convince myself I was holding a combat shotgun, like, seriously. I would tell people to f*ck off before I seriously lost my temper and started shooting.

The ambience is brilliant. Well-rendered fog and stock-horror-film sound effects, plus extremely tense music. It's creepy and exciting without going over the top. There's a pile of cool shit to be unlocked. Adjustable difficulty levels. Ada Wong gets her own mini-game. Talking bottle caps. The f*cking Dirt Merchant!!! Jesus. Destro is so going as the Dirt Merchant for Halloween.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Orval Faubus, the new Indianapolis Colts GM

Favored as the Indianapolis Colts are and, in all fairness, ought to be, Steelers Nation is nevertheless a force to be feared. Tony Dungy and the Colts front office sent out an email plea to all season ticket holders and licensed ticket vendors asking them not to sell to Steelers fans, and to not even answer phone calls from 412 numbers. Post-Gazette's Chuck Finder's article about it is here, and Indy Star's sports columnist Bob Kravitz wrote a bit about it here, but he also makes the interesting comment that "If somebody is offering twice what anybody else is willing to pay, does it matter whether they come from Greenfield or Green Tree? Is Colts owner Jim Irsay going to be taking care of your Christmas Visa bill?"

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Verbosity is a Sickness Unto Death

I was just watching a little bit of the Alito hearings and watched Arlen Specter ask a two-minute question full of the most gaseous, circuitous language I've heard since the last time Dominique de Villepin opened his mouth. Apparently, yesterday, Joe Biden asked an 11-minute question in the same manner. Frankly, I was impressed enough with Alito that he actually was able to discern what the question was in all of that mess. I was watching C-Span 2 a while back and saw an open forum with Tony Blair and his chief ministers, and it floored me how clear and concise they were in their answers. It was almost a pleasure to listen to them. Why can't our congressmen follow suit? That's why nothing ever gets f*cking done.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Re: "Cincinnati"

Zartan knew damn well he would drag me out of the woodwork with his post on the results of his first-round picks. It's very likely that he didn't really mean what he said but knew it would send me into a chin-jutting, mouth-frothing-at-the rage. Either way, I am happy to oblige. To demonstrate my self-control, I shall refrain from using any sarcasm.

The Steelers have won 14 of their last 17 games against the Bengals. This season, they split their two games. The game that the Steelers won was in Cincinnati. The score of that game was 27-6, Pittsburgh, until Cincy scored a meaningless TD in the final minutes. The final score of the other game was 38-31, Cincinnati. Carson Palmer played in both games.

Yes, the Bengals would have done better with Palmer in, but even then it's absurd to believe that his presence alone would have unquestionably won the game. It was the first play, and that 70-yard pass that he completed could have been the high point of a very bad day for him.

If, despite this, you still wish to consider your pick a correct one, there is hardly anything I can do about it. But I would demand that you also consider the Oakland Raiders to have one more Super Bowl ring, the New England Patriots one less, and judge for yourself whether the Philadelphia Eagles could have defeated the Gruden-led Raiders in search of their second straight title at the 2003 Super Bowl.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Weekend Recap

Metal-Head Retreat Weekend quality as usual. The plotting, the capers, the gambling, the excessive Sheetzing, the hinking on the guero, and the [insert face and accompanying hand gesture here] all comes together pretty wonderfully. Highlights include FINALLY getting a copy of "Drowning" on vinyl (Micro Mix, not AK1200), Apples to Apples gambling variant, and discovering a girl that will be subservient to Grand Madame Lindsay Weir in my mental brothel.

Onto the NFL recap. I am so giddy. For comparison's sake, you can see my original picks here.

In retrospect, of course I never should have given the Jags that much credit for a close game. Nevertheless, I unwaveringly picked them to lose, so my self-esteem is really not damaged very much.

The Redskins went and did what they do. 17-10 and they advance to Seattle.

Giants got blanked embarrassingly by the Panthers. I called the game New York's way, but for partial exoneration, I remind you that their victory was contingent on both teams showing up to play. Oh man, did they ever not show up to play. Not even a crummy field goal. Eli Manning gets picked three times and fumbles. Two other picks are called back on penalties. Burress does not catch a single ball, barely gets looked at, in fact. That definitely qualifies as buttsexiness. That, in addition to the fact that I picked Chicago to beat the winner next week, means that I don't feel too bad about missing the pick. I do expect Carolina to give the Bears more of a fight than New York would have, though.

Best for last. After falling behind 10-0, I got a little worried about Pittsburgh, even with Carson Palmer being injured on the first play from scrimmage, tearing two ligaments and questionable to return by July. The Bengals were really, really angry and played for blood. But towards the end of the half, the momentum began to shift for a number of reasons: 1) Cincy didn't keep up the offensive pressure, giving Pittsburgh time to regroup, 2) Roethlisberger was passing efficiently, 3) The Steelers defense remembered that they are bad mofos, and perhaps most importantly, 4) The Bengals' morale sagged when they realized that though their anger might carry them through this game, their star QB was gone till September and John Kitna would never beat the Colts, Broncos, or Patriots. It was over. Honestly, my sympathies go out to Carson Palmer and Bengals fans. 15 years between winning seasons is a long time to wait. Still, when it comes down to you or them, you gotta send flowers.

Bill Simmons is disgusting.

Friday, January 06, 2006

I Think It's About Time to Blow This Scene

NFL picks finally done, you can see them below. They were painstakingly done with obsessive care. I look forward to comments from those of you who are interested, the majority of which I fully expect will be Zartan-esque naysaying. Kindly Bring It.

That said, the 4th bi-annual Metal-Head Retreakend is upon me. Major Bludd will arrive shortly to transport me to our super-secret alpine bunker, where there will be so much hinking on the guero (I mean, these guys figured out a way to turn Apples to Apples into a gambling game) that we're gonna need a ShopVac (TM) to collect all the melted face fragments come the end of the weekend. And boy, do I ever need the break.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

That which took Don Cheadle and made him...DON CHEADLE.

Yep. NFL Playoff Picks. It's time to let y'all have it, Monkey-Knife-Fighting style. You can see the related spewings of my once-and-former sports jabbering partner, Metal-Head, by clicking the link to the right. On with the diatribe.

Wild-Card Round

Redskins at Buccaneers. They played earlier this season, and you might remember that as the game when, after scoring a touchdown in the final minute of the game to bring his team within one point of a tie, opted to go for the two-point conversion to win, and got it (for the record, that's what I would have done, but that's why nobody wants me as a head coach. Though I should start asking around. I hear the Vikings are looking for a skipper who enjoys mid-shelf bourbon and who's not afraid to take his pants off once in a while). I like Jon Gruden, I like Pittman, I think Simms and Cadillac are punk bitches with talent, I think they are a good team. If they had some more Lambert-type action on defense, a more experienced QB, and a tailback who didn't insist on being nicknamed after a ghettomobile, I'd say they were a great team. In D.C., you have an arguably even coaching matchup with Joe Gibbs, and a power-pack offense. That pulled-pork-revolving-door QB situation seems to have finally confirmed, after all these years, that Mr. Brunell can get the job done. Second-best QB in the NFL after the halfway point, if you ask me. Clinton Portis in the backfield, Santana Moss running the routes, and one tough defense means that the 'Skins will be advancing...so long as they can embrace and maintain the underdog mentality and give the finger to the sun-damaged assholes at the Galleon. Advantage=Washington.

Panthers at Giants. This may well end up being a contest of who can help the other team win more effectively. Not that these guys suck--even being an Eagles sympathizer, I must give credit where it's due, and there have been several occasions during this season where either of these teams have looked like they could beat whatever the AFC had to offer in Detroit. Unfortunately, there's also been many occasions where they can't get everybody rowing in sync. Most likely, one of the two will show up to play and the other one will have hot butt sex with themselves. In the event that they both display the same level of combat readiness, or buttsexiness, I'll hink on the Giants. Top-level producers on both sides of the ball, very formidable as long as they can fucking synergize. Either way, watch for Steve Smith to make Burress look like he doesn't deserve a number in the teens. Advantage=New York.

Jaguars at Patriots. The mere fact that this appears to be a gross mismatch is exactly what tempts lots of people to make squeaky noises in the backs of their throats and roll their eyes around and talk about how underestimated the Jags are. Few, however, will actually go the distance and say they're gonna pull off the upset. All I know is, Mr. Mastercard and his Metaphor Revue are going to win that game. New England has had more than its share of injuries and a rude ending to their invincible reputation, but they recovered pretty well and, if anyone cares (not me), Tom Brady put up his best QB rating ever this year. And they will be playing in Foxboro, which currently possesses the world record for Most Annoying Arrogant Pricks in One Place. I will throw Jacksonville a bone and say it will probably be close, they put on a fine show this season and they have real spunk, but I predict they're going to lose by about four points. Advantage=New England.

Steelers at Bengals. Both parties really wanted this matchup, methinks. The Steelers are sore at losing a division title to the Bengals for the first time since the Renaissance, and the Bengals are looking to deliver that fight-scene-ending "now stay down!" punch/kick/ice-pick-shanking. So lots of emotion. As far as emotionally charged teams go, and between these two, I'd be more frightened of the Steelers. Once you motivate those linemen (both O & D), watch the Bengals' running game collapse and the Steelers' start steamrolling. This will force Cincy to take to the air with Carson Palmer, admittedly a very talented quarterback, and Chad Johnson, a top-notch receiver. Despite their ability, excessive dependency on the pass will be their undoing. Dick LeBeau's confounding blitz schemes will result in Palmer getting sacked and hurried. He's still a young quarterback, and may be prone to frustration. If he gives in to it, he just might get run over on his own goal line again during another interception return by his old college roommate, Troy Polamalu. All Pittsburgh's gotta do is contain the pass and be consistent on special teams (that means running straight, Randlemonkey, not spinning and juking and hustling and jiving. Fer Chrissake). Advantage=Pittsburgh.

Divisional Round

Redskins at Seahawks. First off: the Seahawks have looked great. And if I had their schedule this year (just me, not a whole team), I probably would have finished at 10-6. 12-4 if I had quit smoking. They have been knocking around losers 95% of the time, except Indy and New York, the first being easily written off because Indy already clinched and was indecisive as whether or not to try for 16-0. New York is their only noteworthy win. I actually will venture to declare that Shaun Alexander is merely a "pretty good" running back because he failed to rack up 4 miles rushing against that joke of a schedule. The sad thing is, Seattle might actually have been as good as they appear to be if they'd just been given a tougher schedule, but as it stands they are unused to competing at the level at which they'll be playing. This is the Redskins' game to lose, I tell you. This game will be about their attitude. Either Washington opts to dispel Seattle's delusion of grandeur, or they decide that they've advanced far enough for people to take them seriously, and that matters more than a Super Bowl ring. Advantage=Washington.

Giants at Bears. In this game, I...Excuse me, would the peanut gallery please shut up. Yes, I know. I'll do that bit later. Just please shut your yaps and let me finish.

Ahem.

This will be a very entertaining matchup, for various reasons (I said shut up). I am pleased to see the Bears kicking ass on defense again, and would like to pointedly remind all those who remember (probably none of you, with the possible exception of Metal-Head) that in 2002 I predicted that the Chicago Bears would win the 2008 Super Bowl (I'm just sayin'). Anyway, they are bad mofos and Da Bearss defensse iss like a wall, you can't go troo 'em. They are for real. Every game I'd see Urlacher display his speed and power, shredding an O-line and then chasing down the QB or running back. It's like Tecmo Singletary pulled a Michael Jackson (the plastic surgery, not the pedophilia) and has returned to the Midway. As for the Giants, they'll be hurting after Carolina and Eli will be false-starting his own team into a safety as a result of the loud and crazy Chicago crowd and his own jitters at having to face these sumbitches. Tiki Barber hasn't played against a defense this quick, and they won't let him get away with that this-one's-for-you-Wellington type stuff. Now, offensively, Chicago is certainly not as impressive. But did you guys watch the Monday night game against the Falcons a few weeks ago, where they finally replaced Kyle Orton with a healthy Rex Grossman? Up to the half, there had been maybe 3 first downs between the two teams. The score was 6 to 3. Once Rex got in there, the stalemate disintegrated as he completed pass after pass, going 5-for-6 on an 8-play drive that set up a Thomas Jones rushing TD. The overall offensive package still leaves something to be desired, but along with New York's troubles at the linebacker position, it should be enough to send New York packing. At da game's conclusion, there will be two teams of contrasting moods exiting da playing field--one gleeful, one glum, the gleeful of which being...DA BEARSS! Advantage=Chicago, 74-2.

Patriots at Broncos. This is a tough game to call. Breaking it down, these two chumps met, in Denver, earlier this season. The result then was 28-3, Denver, in the 3rd quarter. Brady led a late rally, but it wasn't enough and the Orange Crush took it, 28-20. That game featured brilliant leadership and playmaking from, of all people, Jake Plummer, and a 100+ yard game from RB Tatum Bell. Perhaps the massive holes punched through New England's secondary contributed to that. Anyway, New England's futile heroics towards the end were largely at the expense of Denver's young safeties and corners. If Bill Belichick was actually Winston Churchill, and had been drinking Wild Turkey pantsless at that game, and Michelle Tafoya had walked up and said "Lord Churchill, your defense is sure sucking dick today!" he would have slurringly replied, "Madame, my defense may be sucking dick today, but Mike Shanahan's secondary is young and in the postseason mine will be healthy." Plummer is not going to be able to lob the ball all over the field like he did in their first meeting. If he and Shanahan realize this and use Bell and Anderson in a Harris-Bleier kind of way while using occasional screen passes to keep 'em guessing, I see the Broncos as difficult to beat at home with the thin air and what have you. From what I can logically determine, the Broncos will win this one. But it's so hard to bet against Brady, Belichick, and Vinatieri. There will always be the possibility that they'll make that magic happen (and by "magic" I mean paying off the refs like in '02). Advantage=Denver.

Steelers at Colts. Ughhhh. I was putting this one off as long as I could. I'm very nervous about commenting on this game at all, for fear of jinxing. But, I've decided to grow a pair, so here's what I think. Fact #1: In the event of an offensive shootout, Indy wins easily. I think Big Ben is a smart QB who can throw a good ball, Ward is the best all-around receiver in the league, and the rest of the receivers are very capable. But they are geared to assist the ground game, not run up points passing the ball. No way will they be able to keep pace with Peyton the Greyton and his corps. Fact #2: Manning was having a lot of trouble dealing with Pittsburgh's pass rush during the November game. Many probably overlooked this because of the way Indy controlled the game otherwise, but the last time I saw Peyton Manning look that confused was when the Colts lost to the Patriots during last year's divisional playoffs. The great thing about LeBeau's stunts is that you can watch tape of them over and over, but they don't follow a pattern. It's just chaotic, unpredictable, and brutal. SOOO, I look at these two facts and here's what I get out of them: If the Steelers can score first, at least slow down Indy's offense, and if their O-linemen can win the battle against the Colts' D, they have a definite shot at this. Conversely, if the Colts go out there again and make it 7-0 three minutes into the game, force Roethlisberger to pass and then blitz relentlessly, Manning will have all the time in the world to compose and conduct another magnum opus. But Pittsburgh hasn't received a bitch-slapping like the one the Colts laid on them in quite some time, and I expect that they will come ready to die before they allow it to happen again. Plus, they have a good road record. What the hell, call me biased, but it's not inconceivable. Advantage=Pittsburgh.

Conference Championships

Redskins at Bears. Very, very, very close call here. Washington with the edge on offense, Chicago with the edge on defense, but comparable to each other in almost every area. This could become the most injury-laden game in the entire postseason, as more time will be spent physically beating each other down than actually trying to move the ball. Assuming there are no key injuries before the game begins, I expect it to be a game in which little gets done through the air and scarcely more gets done on the ground due to smothering D and pass rushes. Pretty much the only thing I can think of to sway my opinion on this game is Clinton Portis vs. Thomas Jones. If I'm correct in that, it's really not a very tough choice. Advantage=Washington.

Steelers at Broncos. This would be a great game, and it is scary how similar these two teams are to each other in some ways. Shanahan, like Cowher, is devoted to a run-centered offense with two specialty backs, and tough guys up front on defense. Big Ben and Plummer manage games in an almost identical fashion. The mismatches in the Steelers' favor are the pass rush (slightly), and the secondary (significantly). In the Broncos' favor is size, experience, and home field, plus the monkey all over Cowher's back where AFC Championships are concerned. It's those things that are likely going to give the Crush this game. With a similar strategy employed by both sides, I expect a victory by a five-point margin. If this game actually happens, it will be super-entertaining to watch. I hope it snows. I really hope the Steelers win. Advantage=Denver.

Super Bowl

Redskins vs. Broncos. Before proceeding with the breakdown of the marquee matchup, let me go off on a quick tear about the Super Bowl. Can we PLEASE have a Super Bowl at an open field up north somewhere? I cannot remember the last time the NFL championship wasn't decided in some lush, tropical atmosphere or a heated dome. To me, most Super Bowls are not memorable experiences. Let's have one in sleet, or in a blizzard, or even a Fog Bowl reprise. Man vs. Man vs. Elements, now there's a Super Bowl they'll be talking about for years.

Anyhow, on with the show. Clinton Portis faces his old team across the most important gridiron of the year, the pundits will love that story. It's another great matchup: The 'Skins, with their potent defense and multifaceted offense, against the Broncos, with their killer running tandem and fearsome D. This will be intriguing, because I see both teams as excelling at attacking their opponent's specific weak points. The Crush can contain Portis, and put some points on the board with their rushers, who won't be equally hindered by Washington's defense. They'll force Brunell to throw often...too bad for them, that's something he's pretty f***ing good at, especially with that aforementioned young and vulnerable secondary that Denver has. Question is, who'll run out of gas/make mistakes first? Denver's rushing, or D.C.'s passing? Damn near a tossup. Brunell's the kind of guy who'll keep throwing when up by 9 points, and if Denver's unable to make accurate reads on the play calls, Portis will start sneaking through here and there. Despite Denver's reliance on the running game, don't forget that Plummer is one of the league's most efficient QBs by the numbers. He can switch it up, too. I'll say that the first team to 10 points establishes the pace of the game and wins. And you know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it will be the Redskins. Denver is, pound for pound, the better team, but something tells me that sly old fox Gibbs will yank something out of his sleeve early on, when everyone will be expecting him to hang back and think defensively. Hail to the Redskins. Advantage=Washington.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

32!

Back to the grind. It was a good break. Not super great, but good. No reason to bitch. Some highlights? Brighton Beach trip with Darklon and an old history major was spectacular, picked up Brat ("Brother") from a big music/movie/book outlet, ate caviar, otherwise enjoyed hanging around in a neighborhood where few people speak English very well and shop signs are in Cyrillic.

Saw very many old friends.

Went to see the RAW house show at Stabler with Storm Shadow and Pythona, which wound up being extremely fun. We sat right over the ring entrance, so some wrestler acknowledgement came our way. Ric Flair blew a kiss at Pythona and SS gave the "Four Horsemen" sign to a very incognito Arn Anderson, who gave a stiff-lipped nod. Me, I just waited for the Nature Boy to come out and then I wouldn't stop going "WOO!" for like 20 minutes. Storm Shadow and I finally had our shuffle duel in the parking lot of the Bethlehem Diner.

The "under construction" page has been updated to reflect upcoming shows. Kudos to the English Mingler. (www.stereoagency.com) We of the Agency are happy to announce that we now have a new venue, in addition to the Funhouse, to play at regularly: The Old Brewery Tavern, recently refurbished. It's located at the corner of Union Boulevard and Monocacy Street, down the road from Moravian College and right near the 378 exit. I have never been in there. I hope it's cool.

I'll go off on the NFL tomorrow.