Week 8 Picks

Attorney: It has come to our attention that one of our employees is a major embezzler.
Nathan: AWWWWESOOOOOOME!...Right?
Toki: Ambezzul? What means that?
Pickles [drunk]: Ah, well, it's a super-awesome way of sayin' take...havin'...somethin'...(trails off)
Skwisgaar: Hey guys, I haves a good use of the word undbazzle, my lungs unsdbazzle the air from the earth. As I can breathe. It. Period.
Attorney: Well, I don't see the humor in any of this.
Skwisgaar: Aw lighten up mister dooms and gloom, imbazzle is metal.
Pickles [drunk still]: Well, who's the guy embezzling from anyway?
Attorney: Well, he is embezzling from you.
Nathan: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Well, I am getting an error message when I try to post on the football blog. So, in case it doesn't fix itself or in case I forget to try again, here are my Week 8 picks. But, barring future disaster, my picks and other grand football commentary posted by myself, Major Bludd, Dr. Mindbender, Zandar, and Metal-Head will be appearing on the newly formed Football Blog which can be reached at http://needtogoforasafety.blogspot.com/ or by clicking on the "Iron Grenadiers" link on the sidebar. Without further ado...

Frisco in Chi-Town
Time to eat Rice-a-Roni
Niners going down.

Hot time in Cincy
Vick can't play well on the road
I take the Bungles.

Leave 12th man at home
Seahawks go to Arrowhead
And they will lose there.

Two shitty teams play
But only one can prevail!
Titans. Whatever.

God bless Denny Green
With no pants and Wild Turkey
Sorry, Cardinals.

QB Gradkowski
Hey, he has a working spleen.
Regardless, Jints win.

Scobee isn't bad
But a sixty-two yarder?
Not this week. Birds own.

The Saints are ready
Ready for their first home loss
But they'll be ok.

My, how I would like
sixteen Chargers cheerleaders
Bolts emerge winners.

Cowher, on his own
versus the Oakland Raiders
Cowher, twelve to zip.

Denver D looks good
But Plummer can't keep the pace
With Peyton Manning.

I can make this fit
J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets
Ha, there, I did it.

T.O. benched Bledsoe
That team is marked for collapse
Dallas can s*ck it.

I miss the old days
Mike Tice, we hardly knew ye.
New England takes it.

Before there was Skwisgaar...

...There was THOR VON CLEMSON!!!

Week Sebben & Sebben

Ok here we go:

JETS
JOEY HARRINGTON
PHIL KEN SEBBEN
SAN DIEGO
CAROLINA
NEW ENGLAND
MICHAEL VICK WILL LOSE
JAGS
A RUNNING BACK NAMED BELL
NOT ENOUGH MANNING BUT THEY WIN ANYWAY
SEATTLE I GUESS
I WILL NEVER PICK OAKLAND TO WIN. EVEN AGAINST DENNY GREEN.
IT WILL TURN OUT THAT IT WASN'T A HOAX, DALLAS GETS BOMBED, BOTH TEAMS DIE. BUT THE GIANTS WILL HAVE BEEN WINNING WHEN THAT HAPPENS.

Sorry, Zandar, I'm just in a huge hurry and don't have time to carefully write out the team abbreviations in order of away-home and bold the winner. Only stream-of-consciousness picks this week. Good luck.


Murderface: We been talkin', Skwisgaar, and we think this whole production could be a lot more...mmmmmmmmmmmmm, zippy. It just, it needs zazz!
Skwisgaar: [stares]
Murderface: Am I, I mean, I'm right to say that--
Nathan: No. You're right--
Murderface:--right?
Nathan:--to say that. It's just, y'know, you could stand to zazz it up--
Pickles: No offense--
Nathan:--a little more.
Pickles:--Skwisgaar, but I gotta say, this whole thing, it, uh...it lacks zazz.
Toki: [whispering] Well put.
Murderface: Could you just, put it, on the zazz train to--
Toki: Yeah, because--
Murderface:--Zazzville.
Toki:--no offense, but there is absolutely no zazz to be found. Not here, anyway. Not in these--
Nathan: What we're--
Toki:--parts.
Nathan:--trying to say is that there's two different kinds of shows out there. Those with, and those--
Skwisgaar: Will you--
Nathan:--without.
Skwisgaar:--please stop saying "zazz"?
Nathan: Zazz.
Pickles: Zazz.
Skwisgaar: PLEASE stop saying "zazz"!
Pickles: Why don't you let us help you--
Murderface: Yeah, help--
Pickles:--out?
Murderface:--lighten the load, make it more zaaaaa--
Skwisgaar: [shoots daggers from eyes]
Murderface:--aaaaaaaohhhhhYOUknowww...

Week 5 Recap

Breaking news courtesy of Zandar!

Skwisgaar: I dunno, Toki. Fatherhood is a strange bird. So much responsibility, and what are the rewards?
Toki: I suppose...I feel a sense of pride...knowing I helped raise him. So, there's that.
[thoughtful pause]
Toki: HERE'S A BUCKET OF HANKBURGERS AND A COUPLE OF BIG GULPS AND CRAPS YOU FAT TITS!!
Skwisgaar: Try not to choke you fat tub of sh*t. We loves you...

A million cheers for Zartan, who is now one of TWO ex-Bethledishu Cobra ops guys living in Africa whose blogs are linked to your right. Or, if the YouTube file I plan on putting in here takes up too much room, wayyyy at the bottom of the page and to your right. He said something about quitting, though, so who knows if that will be true come tomorrow.

I'm down in the dumps about the Steelers, but there's not much left to do but show up every week and support. Chiefs at home this week. Ugh. If we can't handle them, I really don't know what I'm going to do. At least they're finally playing a game at 1 pm so I can go to Starters. [Edit: Pythona has notified me that they are actually playing at 4:15. Whatever suck it. I'm going anyhow.]

BLACK MARKET DYNAMITE IS PLAYING THE FUNHOUSE TOMORROW NIGHT, FRIDAY THE 13TH. WAVETASTER IS OPENING FOR US. IT'S GOING TO BE REALLY, REALLY COOL ASSUMING THAT MY FELLOW BAND MEMBERS DON'T DIE OF INFECTIOUS DISEASES. WEAR COSTUMES!

If all my components are procured in time, I'll be decked out in what may be the coolest narctober costume to date. Although I'll be one of perhaps four people within 100 miles who will get it, it will still rule. A teaser:


Ok, so the picks field seems to be narrowing amongst Team Cobra. Let's have a look, courtesy of Zandar:

Metal-Head: 13-1
Dr. Mindbender: 13-1
FOS: 11-3
Zandar: 11-3

Season:

Zandar: 56-18 (.757)
FOS: 53-21 (.716)
Metal-Head: 53-21 (.716)
Dr. Mindbender: 48-26 (.649)

Jet Laggregate (ESPN really woke up this week):

Zandar: 56-18
FOS: 53-21
Metal-Head: 53-21
Schlereth: 53-21
Jaworski: 52-22
Golic: 51-23
Hoge: 50-24
Salisbury: 50-24
Dr. Mindbender: 48-26
Allen: 48-26

Theismann: 42-27 (edge by winning pct)
Mortensen: 45-29

Week 5

Man, after 7 hours on the road, I'm once again in somewhat poor shape to make well-informed picks. But I've been staying afloat all right by making picks under duress. Sober, I'm a bookie's dream, pretty much. Hiyoooooooooooo.

MIA vs. NE
TB vs. NO
WAS vs. NYG
DET vs. MIN
CLE vs. CAR
BUF vs. CHI
STL vs. GB
TEN vs. IND
NYJ vs. JAX
OAK vs. SF (prove me wrong, you pathetic losers.)
KC vs. ARI (Leinart bought me another week of faith in this team)
DAL vs. PHI
PIT vs. SD (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE prove me wrong!!)
BAL vs. DEN

I'm dissing the road teams this week. They can all s*ck it.

Week 4 Recap

Black Market Dynamite just had its photo shoot at the hangar where the Knicks keep their private jet. They have a really nice plane. The mechanics let us go inside, they put us on the wing, they even started it up and rolled it out of the hangar for us. It pretty much ruled. Stay tuned.

Steelers didn't lose. Huzzah.

Zandar: 11-3
Metal-Head: 10-4
FOS: 10-4
Dr. Mindbender: 8-6

Faggregate vs. ESPN:

Zandar: 45-15
FOS: 42-18
Metal-Head: 40-20
Schlereth: 40-20
Jaworski: 39-21
Hoge: 38-22
Salisbury: 37-23
Golic: 37-23
Dr. Mindbender: 35-25
Allen: 35-25
Theismann: 32-24

By the way, for those who may not have watched this weeks' MNF, the network threw the following conversation piece into the moribund announcer booth: Who's the best NFL player to have come from Mississippi: Jerry Rice, Walter Payton, or Brett Favre? (stop giggling. wait, wait...) So Tirico hemms and haws for a moment, very diplomatically, and then says "Rice, then Payton, then Favre." And then Chicken Wing Theismann brilliant chips in his two cents, with little hesitation: "Rice, then Favre, then Payton." At that moment, you could see Tony Kornheiser flinch, like he wanted to choke him, but managed to stop himself and regain composure. I really hope that Wilbon held his nuts to the fire for not breaking Theismann's leg again. But no, Kornheiser would never attack a guy he has to call a game with every monday, and he would never defend such an asinine position. Probably they came to an agreement where Wilbon promises not to bring it up and gets paid $5,000 more every week until Favre retires.