That which took Don Cheadle and made him...DON CHEADLE.

Yep. NFL Playoff Picks. It's time to let y'all have it, Monkey-Knife-Fighting style. You can see the related spewings of my once-and-former sports jabbering partner, Metal-Head, by clicking the link to the right. On with the diatribe.

Wild-Card Round

Redskins at Buccaneers. They played earlier this season, and you might remember that as the game when, after scoring a touchdown in the final minute of the game to bring his team within one point of a tie, opted to go for the two-point conversion to win, and got it (for the record, that's what I would have done, but that's why nobody wants me as a head coach. Though I should start asking around. I hear the Vikings are looking for a skipper who enjoys mid-shelf bourbon and who's not afraid to take his pants off once in a while). I like Jon Gruden, I like Pittman, I think Simms and Cadillac are punk bitches with talent, I think they are a good team. If they had some more Lambert-type action on defense, a more experienced QB, and a tailback who didn't insist on being nicknamed after a ghettomobile, I'd say they were a great team. In D.C., you have an arguably even coaching matchup with Joe Gibbs, and a power-pack offense. That pulled-pork-revolving-door QB situation seems to have finally confirmed, after all these years, that Mr. Brunell can get the job done. Second-best QB in the NFL after the halfway point, if you ask me. Clinton Portis in the backfield, Santana Moss running the routes, and one tough defense means that the 'Skins will be advancing...so long as they can embrace and maintain the underdog mentality and give the finger to the sun-damaged assholes at the Galleon. Advantage=Washington.

Panthers at Giants. This may well end up being a contest of who can help the other team win more effectively. Not that these guys suck--even being an Eagles sympathizer, I must give credit where it's due, and there have been several occasions during this season where either of these teams have looked like they could beat whatever the AFC had to offer in Detroit. Unfortunately, there's also been many occasions where they can't get everybody rowing in sync. Most likely, one of the two will show up to play and the other one will have hot butt sex with themselves. In the event that they both display the same level of combat readiness, or buttsexiness, I'll hink on the Giants. Top-level producers on both sides of the ball, very formidable as long as they can fucking synergize. Either way, watch for Steve Smith to make Burress look like he doesn't deserve a number in the teens. Advantage=New York.

Jaguars at Patriots. The mere fact that this appears to be a gross mismatch is exactly what tempts lots of people to make squeaky noises in the backs of their throats and roll their eyes around and talk about how underestimated the Jags are. Few, however, will actually go the distance and say they're gonna pull off the upset. All I know is, Mr. Mastercard and his Metaphor Revue are going to win that game. New England has had more than its share of injuries and a rude ending to their invincible reputation, but they recovered pretty well and, if anyone cares (not me), Tom Brady put up his best QB rating ever this year. And they will be playing in Foxboro, which currently possesses the world record for Most Annoying Arrogant Pricks in One Place. I will throw Jacksonville a bone and say it will probably be close, they put on a fine show this season and they have real spunk, but I predict they're going to lose by about four points. Advantage=New England.

Steelers at Bengals. Both parties really wanted this matchup, methinks. The Steelers are sore at losing a division title to the Bengals for the first time since the Renaissance, and the Bengals are looking to deliver that fight-scene-ending "now stay down!" punch/kick/ice-pick-shanking. So lots of emotion. As far as emotionally charged teams go, and between these two, I'd be more frightened of the Steelers. Once you motivate those linemen (both O & D), watch the Bengals' running game collapse and the Steelers' start steamrolling. This will force Cincy to take to the air with Carson Palmer, admittedly a very talented quarterback, and Chad Johnson, a top-notch receiver. Despite their ability, excessive dependency on the pass will be their undoing. Dick LeBeau's confounding blitz schemes will result in Palmer getting sacked and hurried. He's still a young quarterback, and may be prone to frustration. If he gives in to it, he just might get run over on his own goal line again during another interception return by his old college roommate, Troy Polamalu. All Pittsburgh's gotta do is contain the pass and be consistent on special teams (that means running straight, Randlemonkey, not spinning and juking and hustling and jiving. Fer Chrissake). Advantage=Pittsburgh.

Divisional Round

Redskins at Seahawks. First off: the Seahawks have looked great. And if I had their schedule this year (just me, not a whole team), I probably would have finished at 10-6. 12-4 if I had quit smoking. They have been knocking around losers 95% of the time, except Indy and New York, the first being easily written off because Indy already clinched and was indecisive as whether or not to try for 16-0. New York is their only noteworthy win. I actually will venture to declare that Shaun Alexander is merely a "pretty good" running back because he failed to rack up 4 miles rushing against that joke of a schedule. The sad thing is, Seattle might actually have been as good as they appear to be if they'd just been given a tougher schedule, but as it stands they are unused to competing at the level at which they'll be playing. This is the Redskins' game to lose, I tell you. This game will be about their attitude. Either Washington opts to dispel Seattle's delusion of grandeur, or they decide that they've advanced far enough for people to take them seriously, and that matters more than a Super Bowl ring. Advantage=Washington.

Giants at Bears. In this game, I...Excuse me, would the peanut gallery please shut up. Yes, I know. I'll do that bit later. Just please shut your yaps and let me finish.

Ahem.

This will be a very entertaining matchup, for various reasons (I said shut up). I am pleased to see the Bears kicking ass on defense again, and would like to pointedly remind all those who remember (probably none of you, with the possible exception of Metal-Head) that in 2002 I predicted that the Chicago Bears would win the 2008 Super Bowl (I'm just sayin'). Anyway, they are bad mofos and Da Bearss defensse iss like a wall, you can't go troo 'em. They are for real. Every game I'd see Urlacher display his speed and power, shredding an O-line and then chasing down the QB or running back. It's like Tecmo Singletary pulled a Michael Jackson (the plastic surgery, not the pedophilia) and has returned to the Midway. As for the Giants, they'll be hurting after Carolina and Eli will be false-starting his own team into a safety as a result of the loud and crazy Chicago crowd and his own jitters at having to face these sumbitches. Tiki Barber hasn't played against a defense this quick, and they won't let him get away with that this-one's-for-you-Wellington type stuff. Now, offensively, Chicago is certainly not as impressive. But did you guys watch the Monday night game against the Falcons a few weeks ago, where they finally replaced Kyle Orton with a healthy Rex Grossman? Up to the half, there had been maybe 3 first downs between the two teams. The score was 6 to 3. Once Rex got in there, the stalemate disintegrated as he completed pass after pass, going 5-for-6 on an 8-play drive that set up a Thomas Jones rushing TD. The overall offensive package still leaves something to be desired, but along with New York's troubles at the linebacker position, it should be enough to send New York packing. At da game's conclusion, there will be two teams of contrasting moods exiting da playing field--one gleeful, one glum, the gleeful of which being...DA BEARSS! Advantage=Chicago, 74-2.

Patriots at Broncos. This is a tough game to call. Breaking it down, these two chumps met, in Denver, earlier this season. The result then was 28-3, Denver, in the 3rd quarter. Brady led a late rally, but it wasn't enough and the Orange Crush took it, 28-20. That game featured brilliant leadership and playmaking from, of all people, Jake Plummer, and a 100+ yard game from RB Tatum Bell. Perhaps the massive holes punched through New England's secondary contributed to that. Anyway, New England's futile heroics towards the end were largely at the expense of Denver's young safeties and corners. If Bill Belichick was actually Winston Churchill, and had been drinking Wild Turkey pantsless at that game, and Michelle Tafoya had walked up and said "Lord Churchill, your defense is sure sucking dick today!" he would have slurringly replied, "Madame, my defense may be sucking dick today, but Mike Shanahan's secondary is young and in the postseason mine will be healthy." Plummer is not going to be able to lob the ball all over the field like he did in their first meeting. If he and Shanahan realize this and use Bell and Anderson in a Harris-Bleier kind of way while using occasional screen passes to keep 'em guessing, I see the Broncos as difficult to beat at home with the thin air and what have you. From what I can logically determine, the Broncos will win this one. But it's so hard to bet against Brady, Belichick, and Vinatieri. There will always be the possibility that they'll make that magic happen (and by "magic" I mean paying off the refs like in '02). Advantage=Denver.

Steelers at Colts. Ughhhh. I was putting this one off as long as I could. I'm very nervous about commenting on this game at all, for fear of jinxing. But, I've decided to grow a pair, so here's what I think. Fact #1: In the event of an offensive shootout, Indy wins easily. I think Big Ben is a smart QB who can throw a good ball, Ward is the best all-around receiver in the league, and the rest of the receivers are very capable. But they are geared to assist the ground game, not run up points passing the ball. No way will they be able to keep pace with Peyton the Greyton and his corps. Fact #2: Manning was having a lot of trouble dealing with Pittsburgh's pass rush during the November game. Many probably overlooked this because of the way Indy controlled the game otherwise, but the last time I saw Peyton Manning look that confused was when the Colts lost to the Patriots during last year's divisional playoffs. The great thing about LeBeau's stunts is that you can watch tape of them over and over, but they don't follow a pattern. It's just chaotic, unpredictable, and brutal. SOOO, I look at these two facts and here's what I get out of them: If the Steelers can score first, at least slow down Indy's offense, and if their O-linemen can win the battle against the Colts' D, they have a definite shot at this. Conversely, if the Colts go out there again and make it 7-0 three minutes into the game, force Roethlisberger to pass and then blitz relentlessly, Manning will have all the time in the world to compose and conduct another magnum opus. But Pittsburgh hasn't received a bitch-slapping like the one the Colts laid on them in quite some time, and I expect that they will come ready to die before they allow it to happen again. Plus, they have a good road record. What the hell, call me biased, but it's not inconceivable. Advantage=Pittsburgh.

Conference Championships

Redskins at Bears. Very, very, very close call here. Washington with the edge on offense, Chicago with the edge on defense, but comparable to each other in almost every area. This could become the most injury-laden game in the entire postseason, as more time will be spent physically beating each other down than actually trying to move the ball. Assuming there are no key injuries before the game begins, I expect it to be a game in which little gets done through the air and scarcely more gets done on the ground due to smothering D and pass rushes. Pretty much the only thing I can think of to sway my opinion on this game is Clinton Portis vs. Thomas Jones. If I'm correct in that, it's really not a very tough choice. Advantage=Washington.

Steelers at Broncos. This would be a great game, and it is scary how similar these two teams are to each other in some ways. Shanahan, like Cowher, is devoted to a run-centered offense with two specialty backs, and tough guys up front on defense. Big Ben and Plummer manage games in an almost identical fashion. The mismatches in the Steelers' favor are the pass rush (slightly), and the secondary (significantly). In the Broncos' favor is size, experience, and home field, plus the monkey all over Cowher's back where AFC Championships are concerned. It's those things that are likely going to give the Crush this game. With a similar strategy employed by both sides, I expect a victory by a five-point margin. If this game actually happens, it will be super-entertaining to watch. I hope it snows. I really hope the Steelers win. Advantage=Denver.

Super Bowl

Redskins vs. Broncos. Before proceeding with the breakdown of the marquee matchup, let me go off on a quick tear about the Super Bowl. Can we PLEASE have a Super Bowl at an open field up north somewhere? I cannot remember the last time the NFL championship wasn't decided in some lush, tropical atmosphere or a heated dome. To me, most Super Bowls are not memorable experiences. Let's have one in sleet, or in a blizzard, or even a Fog Bowl reprise. Man vs. Man vs. Elements, now there's a Super Bowl they'll be talking about for years.

Anyhow, on with the show. Clinton Portis faces his old team across the most important gridiron of the year, the pundits will love that story. It's another great matchup: The 'Skins, with their potent defense and multifaceted offense, against the Broncos, with their killer running tandem and fearsome D. This will be intriguing, because I see both teams as excelling at attacking their opponent's specific weak points. The Crush can contain Portis, and put some points on the board with their rushers, who won't be equally hindered by Washington's defense. They'll force Brunell to throw often...too bad for them, that's something he's pretty f***ing good at, especially with that aforementioned young and vulnerable secondary that Denver has. Question is, who'll run out of gas/make mistakes first? Denver's rushing, or D.C.'s passing? Damn near a tossup. Brunell's the kind of guy who'll keep throwing when up by 9 points, and if Denver's unable to make accurate reads on the play calls, Portis will start sneaking through here and there. Despite Denver's reliance on the running game, don't forget that Plummer is one of the league's most efficient QBs by the numbers. He can switch it up, too. I'll say that the first team to 10 points establishes the pace of the game and wins. And you know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it will be the Redskins. Denver is, pound for pound, the better team, but something tells me that sly old fox Gibbs will yank something out of his sleeve early on, when everyone will be expecting him to hang back and think defensively. Hail to the Redskins. Advantage=Washington.