Edification

My dreams are all dead and buried
Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode
When God comes and calls me to his kingdom
I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go.

-Billy Joe Shaver

Famicom Ichiban

While idly poring over Dr. Mindbender's rantings this morning, I came across his list of top 10 favorite NES games. Done deal. I'll be updating this one periodically, so check back.

10. DuckTales (Capcom, 1989) I never figured this game would be so fun, being so kiddie-centric, and at eight years of age being just a bit too old for that sort of biznazz. And yet, it was stupidly addicting, and had some insane replay value. Also (and this will become a common argument on this list) the music gets a big slice of responsibility for the game's overall success. It's all great stuff. And Capcom's composer deserves a Grammy for the Moon level theme.

9. Duck Hunt (Nintendo, 1986) I got the "Level 2" NES, which came with Super Mario Bros. and Duck Hunt, which is the only game I can remember that used the Light Gun. And who doesn't remember jamming the muzzle right up against the screen and still losing around level 21? And of course, trying to shoot that goddamn smug-ass dog. (Son of a bitch doesn't have opposable thumbs, he can't even hold a gun, so what's he laughing about?) More recent memories include sophomore year thursdays in St. Denis, slamming 'Cane and popping clay pigeons like they were going out of style. I played my best game on malt liquor--I don't remember what level exactly, but it was definitely high twenties.

8. Ninja Gaiden (Tecmo, 1989) Hoo boy, did the composer for this game ever love arpeggios, which really blew away my fragile understanding of music at the time. But though the music was great, the best quality of this game was the fluid animation of Ryu. The running, the swording, the flipping around and climbing, that's what really made me understand what these guys were talking about. Playing this game for twenty minutes and then performing another activity would result in quicker, more dexterous application of oneself to the task at hand, and possibly some karate chops. I finally beat this monster of a game on the eve of Super Bowl XXXVI, Hatriots over Rams, and on that night I definitely changed from casual football fan to f*cking full-on psycho fanatic. And maybe I have Ninja Gaiden to thank for that.

7. Double Dragon (1987, Tradewest) Automatic points for this one as it was the first game I ever got besides the ones that came with the system. I was so thrilled I would put the controller down and play air guitar to the title music (that guitar solo makes Eddie Van Halen and Joe Satriani look like bitches having buttsex with each other) every time I played. More points because a girl gets slugged 5 seconds into the game (no offense Mistress Armada). This was a hard freaking nut to crack, though. Three lives, no continues. On my best day, I'd get as far as the last level, but the part where the bricks come out of the wall and hit you I could never get past. Victory over Jimmy Lee was not achieved until the age of emulators and save states. The one thing I would have begged for from this game, which was granted in the 1988 sequel from Acclaim, was co-op mode. But even without that, this game was kickass enough to earn its place in the sun as the original side-scrolling beat-em-up.

6. Bionic Commando (Capcom, 198X) Perfect combination of cheesy storytelling, incredible names (Firstborn: Super Joe S*mavilla), cool music, creative gameplay, and Go-Go Gadget Arms (TM). With a non-linear goal system and a series of weapons and items that had to be found and used in the right instances, this was the forerunner of "intelligent" 3rd-person shooter games like Hitman and Metal Gear Solid. I did not play this game until the emulator age, but it scores highly anyway because it was instantly addictive and heavily replayable (as Metal-Head knows well). And, come on, who else in 198X had the balls to make Hitler's...uh, sorry, Master-D's head explode?

5 (tie). The Legend of Zelda (Nintendo, 1986) A classic in a category of classics. This came out before Final Fantasy and Dragon Warrior, so if I'm not mistaken, was the first ever console game that incorporated RPG elements of exploration and gradual character strengthening. Watching Link grow in power as the game went on is what made the gameplay great and what kept us coming back to it over and over. And you had to be a seriously intrepid explorer--there was hardly any hints forthcoming from this game about where to find things or how to solve puzzles...which made it hugely frustrating at times, but that was all part of the experience. The absolute best thing about this game, however, was the music. Plain and simple. That will be running through all our heads until we are worm food. And it will never get annoying. Knowing those old NES composers were able to write the best music ever using only two notes at a time is a constant musical inspiration to me.

5 (tie). Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! (Nintendo, 1987) Hell Yes [...Yes]. One of the most, if not the most, replayable game ever put out for the NES. Listening to that pump-you-up music while delivering superfast beatdowns to dudes five times your own size is just great. And, the stupid judges never, never decided in Little Mac's favor past the Major Circuit, proof positive as far as I'm concerned that Don King was paying them off. So it was Little Mac vs. The World (literally). And oh, what we learned early on about other nationalities! French = defeatist sissies, Germans = awesome moustaches, Spanish = transvestites (that one's true), Indians = wear turbans ALL THE TIME, and of course, that Russians really enjoy soda. A lot. (God dammit, does anyone remember the arcade version? His name was Vodka Drunkenski, people. VODKA DRUNKENSKI.) Ok, now real quick, everyone recite the code to skip straight to Tyson...annnnd, pencils down. See? We all still remember.

4. Castlevania II: Simon's Quest (Konami, 1988) I wrote a post a ways back about my enthusiasm for Resident Evil 4. I tell you now, RE4 is the refined, badass scion of Castlevania II, patriarch of the action-horror genre. I enjoyed all of the Castlevanias I ever played, but I will tell you why this one gets to represent the series on this list. Firstly, as Noel Gallagher would drunkenly say, "Music, music, music, music, music, music, music." I love the daytime town theme, and the song "Bloody Tears" made its debut here. Secondly, the goals were non-linear, and you were actually on the clock to beat the curse, and depending on how long it took you to do so, you saw a different ending. Thirdly, it was freaking scary. The whole day/night thing totally augmented the urgency and terror of everything else, for example, fighting DEATH ITSELF OH MY CHRIST. A distant fourthly is that this game was responsible for my interest in the Ravenloft modules (for the DnD nerds out there). It's a sweet package, with plenty of influence beyond its own era. What a horrible night to have a curse.

3. Contra (Konami, 1988) Like many games for the NES, this came out in the arcades first. The way the arcade Contra worked was this: there was this little bare-chested guy with a gun on the screen, and you would put a quarter in, and the money would never reach him. Ha! Some Oliver North humor there. Anyhoo, by 1988 there had already been plenty of side-scrolling shooters released, but this had that je ne sais quoi that often had me freakishly squirming and kicking and waving the controller around, bearing facial expressions usually reserved for mid-coit. This game was about frantically wreaking destruction and trying not to die--speaking of which, anyone who ever played this game remembers what happens when you caught a bullet: that alien-sounding death scream and an acrobatic tumble to the ground worthy of professional soccer. The music is awesome. (If you're not convinced, go on limewire or wherever the f*ck and download "Contra" by the Minibosses. As a matter of fact, download everything by the Minibosses that you possibly can.) Now, all of this stuff is well and good, but there's one more thing that made this game congeal at the #3 spot, and that is the outstanding fun-magnification of 2-player mode. You know what I'm talking about.

2. Super Mario Bros. 3 (Nintendo, 1990) This November, Nintendo will release Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess on Gamecube. It will be the last game released for that lovable little box, and if it is as incredibly good as it's being hyped to be, it will be the second time Nintendo has surpassed itself on a system finale. In terms of complexity, sound, graphics, and gameplay, this was head and shoulders above the rest. They even threw in a complimentary version of the original Mario Bros. for 2-player gladiator action. Secrets galore, too--for all I know, there's still goodies hidden away in that game I don't know about (but there can't be too many). I loved this game so much that I wrote a report on it in 5th grade for biology (on the idea that each level in the game was based on a naturally occurring geological biome). Oh, and remember the movie "The Wizard"? How at the end of the movie, the finalists have to play "a game that you've never seen before", and the hero knows exactly how to get the first whistle, and then Fred Savage is clearly seen and heard in the crowd screaming "Get the warp whistle! The WARP WHISTLE!" like he knows what the f*ck he's talking about. Nitpicking? Maybe, but what else do you expect from a kid who actually carved notches in his controllers for each game he beat? Anyway...though I could easily go on for pages about the music, I'll just briefly spit the highlights. The tunes were perfectly suited for their environments (take World 3 and World 6 as the best examples), the in-level music introduced reggae to me, the airship music was actually Gustav Holst's "Mars: Bringer of War", and thanks to the hip-hop underground reprise, a rap duo once known as Smif n' Wessun (later sued and renamed "the Cocoa Brovaz") recorded the single "Super Brooklyn", which was my first-ever vinyl record, purchased within the three weeks it took for Nintendo to flip shit and sue the records off the shelves. One last item of brilliance, the namesakes of the Koopa kids:

Lemmy Koopa: Lemmy Kilmister
Roy Koopa: Roy Orbison
Wendy O. Koopa: Wendy O(rlean) Williams
Iggy Koopa: Iggy Pop
Morton Koopa, Jr: Morton Downey, Jr.
Larry Koopa: Larry Mullen, Jr. (seriously. Look at the hair.)
Ludwig von Koopa: Ludwig von Beethoven

Clearly I was predisposed to love Motorhead since age 9.

1. Tecmo Super Bowl (Tecmo, 1991) This is a list of my top NES games of all-time, a label that would lead one to treat the items on it as venerated classics. Tecmo Super Bowl, however, has become so transcendent of its era to me that, in my opinion, it almost shouldn’t be on this list. But it was born an NES cartridge, and is thus eligible. If Ninja Gaiden somehow sparked my fanaticism for football, Tecmo solidified and built upon it. As I played more, I found there were others out there who, like me, believed this to be the best football video game of all-time, and saw no reason why the passage of time should force it to fade into the past. The emulator age was revolutionary, but for games like TSB it was especially so: supergeeks were able to take the ROM of the game and change the teams, logos, player names, player data, playbooks, everything. When I realized that Montana to Rice could become Maddox to Ward, I flipped out. Metal-Head and I pretty much played that every day for the duration of football season, and during the off-season, every other day. This game strikes the perfect balance between realistic football play and good ol’ arcade fun. Only two buttons, only eight plays, but very detailed player attributes and an action:clock ratio that is roughly proportional to real life. This simplistic creation consumed people with competitive fire. Friendships were jeopardized by this game, and I recall many incidents where a badly-timed computer-controlled tackle made Tim Deery lose it as though Bill Wine had just criticized his work. And you better believe that there’s a musical project in the works to cover the music in the style of a Ramones song (Mindbender knows what’s up). Now, I write all of this one day after I bought Madden ’06 for the ‘Cube, and I only do it because I no longer have an internet connection with which to find updated Tecmo rosters. And that’s ok, I guess. I should probably get with the times a little bit. But when Madden ’49 comes out, it won’t make a difference. I’ll still be getting in the faces of those little punks, and telling them how when I was their age, all we needed was Bo Jackson up the sideline.

Wrong, Wrong, Wrong.

I went to see Running Scared last night. A far better movie than it appeared to be in the theater lobby, which is the first place I'd seen or heard anything about it. I hadn't witnessed a scene that gut-wrenchingly wrong since Old Boy.

Please welcome Metal-Head to his new launchpad.

Tanks Rolling

I love how my shortest post has garnered the most replies. (see "Achtung")

Stereo Agency is hitting a new venue this weekend, Saturday the 11th at the Hawthorn House. For those of you familiar with the area, it's on Hawthorn Street, way down Broad near Stefko. Please come have a drink and support!

Mr. Miosi did a super cool job with the posters for the Funhouse gig later this month. That's right, we actually did promo for a show more than TWO WEEKS AWAY. It's huge. We'll find out if it makes a difference, but if Mindbender and company (hopefully including Major Bludd if he's over his mono by then) invade, it'll be the best damn show since 12/17. Boy howdy.

The most exciting news is the push into Philly. Oh, it's all in the inception phase, some preliminary e-mail contacts, one press kit sent (to Club 218 on South Street). But we're on a mission, and we will not fail. Though we will need as much Crimson Guard presence as can possibly be managed. Those damn Joes are not to be underestimated.

Livid Licid

R, TAP: Livid Licid loses this ability and becomes a creature enchantment that reads "Enchanted band member gets +4/-2 and Trample when attacking local taverns" instead of a creature. Move Livid Licid onto target band member. You may pay R to end this effect.

Murray and I went a-flyerin' yesterday, hanging up the damn things all over Moravian's campus and went to the OBT last. When we arrived, we learned that our gig for Friday had been double-booked, and the girl who booked us was sort of not working there anymore. After a quick strategy session, we decided not to go berserk. The new scheduling guy was pretty conciliatory, anyway. So he offered us April 28, a Friday. We will take it once we get confirmation from Ben. The money's too good, we need all the gigs we can get, and the OBT is fun. But to say we feel slighted and angry is an understatement. Like I said, I'm only a turn sideways and one red mana away from flipping the hell out.

My deepest apologies and surrogate rage goes out to those who were planning on getting their faces rocked. We'll make it up in double measure.

We have confirmed, however, the Hawthorn House gig next Saturday the 11th. It's gonna be interesting. It's a small place, but it gets hopping. We'll see.

Elements of the High Command have questioned why we are waiting to attack Philadelphia. The stock answer is, "We need a suitable fleet of assault vehicles." But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed like something we can probably pull off anyway, especially since we just bought a new Uberbox. So anybody with bright ideas about where would be good venues for us to approach to book a gig, speak now! Major Bludd, Mindbender, Zartan, and Zandar, I am looking in your direction...